Polyvagal Theory and connection as a way to turn the volume down
This is what I call my ‘Are you pondering what I’m pondering?’* wanderings. Little snippet of ongoing thoughts. My dear friend and business partner Anna has always said I think at a ¼ turn from her, neither of us in the direction of the norm and certainly not what is expected. I offer these little glimpses into what I’m seeing and thinking, the raw musings of my now.
This week I’m thinking about Polyvagal Theory, the work of dismantling white dominant culture, and how critical it is to have a space of safety and connection to return to and work from in the good, hard, uncomfortable work of systems change.
I recently learned about Polyvagal Theory from a therapist who works with neuroatypical kids and families. As he walked me through his approach, and what the theory is in his own words, it resonated with other things I’ve been reading and thinking about in antiracism and trauma healing work.
Here’s what I heard:
To let our nervous systems work for us we have to cultivate states where our sense of safety and our sense of danger are accurate to the circumstance. “If you are in a constant dangerous environment, your nervous system is going to find it hard to detect safety. … and you’ll misread cues.” [from this video of practitioners talking about polyvagal theory]
We can move into a protective state as is needed, and fluidly move back to a more open state as the actual danger passes. Our bodies can settle. Over time our ability to recognize and intentionally move between the different states of the vagal system and back to “home.”
- “Home” is the space where we feel safe, seen, soothed and secure. We feel connection with ourselves, and with others. This is when the ventral system is active. When we have a strong home base, we can see signs of connection, we can feel trust. Our minds and bodies are open. Safe, secure and loving connection is what creates this home base. For those of us who have our internal alert volume set too high, the work is to create a strong sense of a “home” base. This “home” doesn’t have to be a physical space, but more a feeling of openness and connection, a space in which are are able to let down our guard. As we cultivate this sense of home we can begin to shift from seeing cues of danger, from being irritable and hyper aware, to having access to seeing and feeling connection.
- When there are cues of danger, we shift into the sympathetic system (dorsal). Mobilization kicks in, our fight/flight response is triggered. This is mobilization (flight), or of standing your ground. It is a powerful space, but exhausting. Too much time spent in this state of moving, fighting, pushing can lead to mis-reading cues of safety, leaving us looking for danger even when there isn’t any.
- When there is too much mobilization, too many signals of danger (real or imagined), we shift into overwhelm. This is the space of being stuck, trapped, helpless, apathetic. The space of immobilization.
We need all of these states to survive. None of these is wrong or bad. Each of these systems has an innate wisdom and intelligence. Each one speaks to us when activated, what is it saying? What is your body telling you right now?
It sounded so familiar…echoes of many other pieces of wisdom I’ve invited in these last few years of unlearning, re-orienting and healing (same, same but different is a common refrain) …
- A mindful breath practice to activate a parasympathetic response (4–7–8) and more recently to a mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR) course.
- Resmaa Menakem’s book My Grandmother’s Hands and the ties between trauma and our nervous system, and settling the body when it is triggered (including connection, rest and home).
- My own experience and what I see my daughter going through with our neuro-divergence and how a perceived lack of safety completely shuts down the task positive network (our ability to take in new information, think rationally and plan).
I see so many connections between the wisdom of community mobilizers and this theory. Too much mobilization and not enough home leads to burnout, overwhelm, shut down. Not enough safety and connection leads to a constant state of mobilization, or, even immobilization.
“In a coalition you have to give, and it is different from your home. You can’t stay there all the time. You go to the coalition for a few hours and then you go back [home], and then you go back and coalesce some more. It is very important not to confuse them — home and coalition. “ — from Bernice Johnson Reagon’s essay, “Coalition Politics: Turning the Century”
To do good work we have to get uncomfortable. This is true of antiracism work, of dismantling white dominant culture, it is also true of any creative work. This work of being uncomfortable, of seeking out danger, is coalition building work, it is mobilizing work. If too much of this work is done without replenishing, it will lead to burnout. We have to create a sense of home, a place where we know ourselves, where we are seen, loved, nurtured, connected to others and ourselves.
What all of this offers me is an invitation — or even more than that, a requirement — to create safe spaces, the rituals, places, and relationships that re-ground me, in which I can turn the volume down, re-set my nervous system, and hear the song of my heart clearly again.
“Safety is more than the absence of risk. At its core, it occurs in relationships that engage the neural circuits underpinning physiological renewal and growth. It is found in our spontaneous seeking out of proximity with others, our playfulness and curiosity as we explore intimacy, and our attunement to the comfort of others. It also emerges when our bodies find themselves giving peaceful priority to sleep, rest and nurture. We find safety in the embodiment of our vulnerability in the heart of a loved one.” Tucci, Weller, & Mitchell, 2018
What is the invitation you hear for yourself?
In joy. As always.
*While clear memories of Animaniacs have long receded, what has always stuck with me — and I’m not alone in this bit of whimsy, there are many fans among us — is the exchange between Pinky and The Brain in each show that begins with the question (or some slight variation), “are you pondering what I’m pondering? Pinky’s answers to the question are always a non-sequitur, an amusing deviation from the topic at hand (a delightful list of these answers is here).
I often feel like Pinky, a bit off topic, wandering and wondering in my own world and only tethered to this reality through the love of my co-conspirator and our mutual sense of intellectual adventure.
